Worse Things Happen At Sea


Fictional stories based upon every day random conversations held between
members of the workforce throughout the working week.

Karen was talking very excitedly to Ding Dong Swizzle about going swimming that night when I heard Ding Dong say, “Why – we could go now!” I thought I probably misheard (not that I’m one for listening in on other peoples conversations of course) what they were talking about, but several minutes later water mysteriously began to flood across the factory floor. Of course I was so engrossed in my work I thought nothing of it and continued to work ‘very’ hard, well Teresa was driving me on frantically with looks that could kill at 20 paces, and not being one to risk the wrath of the Jarvo, I put my head down ready to dive in.

Then I noticed my box of pots begin to float off. That’s when I saw ‘Delta Dawn‘ going under, luckily the buoyancy of her glasses kept her head above the water line. Then I heard “The Tannoy” – “Swim Time,” shouted out Jade, I looked across the lagoon to see Jade bobbing up and down kept afloat by her very own personal “Boobs” Life Jacket. By now Ding Dong was laughing hysterically and doing breast stroke widths of the food hall. Karen was whooping with delight and leaping off the top of the potting machine doing “Bombs” and sending breakers crashing over Andy’s head. Teresa was now giving it her all, ‘Seagull Mode’ engaged, and with her best dance moves, her pelvic thrusting, creating enormous waves washing to and fro the entire length of the food hall.

Carol hadn’t flinched an inch all this time, and as all chaos reigned around, she calmly continued to fill her now submerged jars, and placed them onto the conveyor, and at the other end Caroline was treading water, catching each jar as it floated to the surface, where she would then dive under and swim down like a pearl hunter in search of the pallet to stack her jars upon, with their now sodden labels peeling off, only to find it had long floated off and become beached on the lid tumbler of Onedin Line One. Malcolm came out of his office and pressed the up button of the rising door, and was immediately swept off of his feet as the wall of water gushed through into the Ware(the hell is it)house, sending Shane sprinting for his life in the direction of the Goods Out doors clutching handfuls of his precious spiders.

Then I looked across the pond and all its floating debris, empty totes, pallets, labels and cardboard boxes, lots and lots of cardboard boxes, but there right up on top of the “Real Working Potting Machine” stood Karen, hands alternately pumping the air as she danced and was singing out aloud, “Mr Shifter, Mr Shifter, Hey Matt, Matt,” – “Houston, We’ve Had a Problem.”

Matt was last seen making a rapid ‘about turn’ and heading smartly back towards the Goods In Warehouse, and could be heard saying to himself “Six More Days and then – Sanity!”

Luckily for Jason he had the gangway in the kitchen to stand on well above the high tide, all the same he instinctively looked for Simon as if expecting a cue to abandon ship, then realising Simon was away on holiday, Jason turned to Scarlett Thistle, and shoved her face first into the frothing swell then stepped aboard her back and rode the wave like a surfer, guiding “The Thistle” out of the back door and stepping onto the safety of dry land.

Cool Hand Luke had finally manage to fit a ‘Quart into a Pint Pot’ and once again his Cold Fill was now looking tidier than a Nun’s Knickers. That’s when the Terrifying TrackOutOfLine Tsunami struck, pushing ahead of it all of Luke’s once neatly stacked blue barrels of whole grain mustard, the wrathful wave of woe totally destroying the brand new Kimchi Room leaving several builders clinging to the Goods In warehouse racking for their lives, and having to be later rescued by The Sodric on his amphibious forklift truck.

Ben emerged from the changing room and as if nothing out of the ordinary had ever taken place, he walked across to the “A Team” potting machine and said, “Hmm I wonder what that squeaking noise is coming from this machine?” and as he peered into the guts of the machine, right there before his eyes he could see six of Karen’s pet rats lashed to the turntable pushing it around like a donkey driving a desert water pump. “Ah! it must be one of Guy’s new ‘Green Energy’ ideas,” exclaimed Ben finally turning to see the aftermath of “Hurricane Harris” right before him, his eyeballs now popping out of his head as if on springs.

A soaking wet Andy and a totally drenched Malcolm now came stumbling and clambering over the flotsam, jetsam, lagan, and derelict remnants of the once immaculate food hall, they both looked forlornly at Ben, “Looks like you’re not going to hit today’s targets then lads,” quipped Ben tossing aside his clipboard into the nearest puddle.

Episode Nineteen : Tabs and Wraps

“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle.”

06/03/2019