Suzy The Safety Officer


Fictional stories based upon every day random conversations held between
members of the workforce throughout the working week.

Karen Goes Forth. It was one minute past eight in the morning as Karen leapt into her red chariot, she was having a voir la vie en rose moment, for just a second she felt as though she was “The Special One” but recovered quickly and pushed that thought hurriedly aside. Realising she was at least a minute later that usual, Karen put the metal to the floor and shot back onto the road from her drive, engaged first gear, and decided she’d have to burn some rubber. Leaving two wavy black lines for two hundred yards up the road with a cloud of white smoke drifting gently across the neighbours houses, Karen was once again ‘Ballistic’ nothing better get in her way now. Karen hung a right at the mini roundabout, leaving some poor innocent young lady clambering out of the ditch and holding a tiny dog under one arm whilst waving her other fist in the direction of ‘Red Shift One’ as the offending car hurtled off in the direction of Sherston.

A minute later Karen saw a little ‘Fog’ up ahead and ‘knocked it down’ three gears whilst standing on the brake, the fog patch quickly cleared and Karen stuck the boot in once more, only this time she didn’t quite feel the G-Force pushing her back into her seat as usual. It must be a head wind she thought moving back up through four gears, and before she could say “Cooee Cooee, Mr Shifter,” she found herself indicating, to hand brake turn it, into the Whitewalls Camp, and on to her place of work. Karen hit the brakes once again sending the car into a sideways drift, she turned hard into the skid and shot over the speed bump, and at that moment she noticed something seem to fall from the front of her car. Karen lowered her drivers window and saw a Mini rolling away to the right of her.

Karen paused a bit puzzled, and a batty looking woman climbed out of her Mini and asked Karen if this was Whatley Manor, adding, ‘I felt as if I was struck by a gust of wind back there, I was only doing twenty mph through that foggy patch when suddenly I seemed to be doing seventy mph and before I could even pull my indicator on, I seemed to be right here, most strange!’ Karen gave the kooky woman her best ‘butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth’ look, continuing to give the poor doddery old fool directions back up the road to Whatley Manor, then dropped the clutch shooting forward once again, spun a few 360 degree doughnuts at the corner before moving off and eventually coming to rest at the back of the building in a cloud of dust. Karen hopped down from her pilots seat and nonchalantly strolled into work. A few minutes later ‘J.K.’ walks in, “Bloody hell Lorenzo, I thought that was you I shunted along the road just now. I don’t know how some people pass their tests, I really don’t,” cursed Karen, as she proceeded to straighten out all the kitchen stools.

A little while later Lorenzo was at Joker Jarvis’ Potty Pusher catching flying saucers and trying to flush out of his mind the thought of Karen up his back side at speed. Debbie walks past eating cheesy biscuits and opens her mouth showing its contents and that does the job as Lorenzo and Jabber Jarvis (known for her right hook) are both rolling around in hysterics. Karen appears and prods Lorenzo telling him ‘Chop Chop’ still bright red in the cheeks after her struggle with the kitchen stools. She is closely followed by King Kola the Lollipop Billionaire famous for his Snoring Lollies, who gives her a kiss on her cheek thinking she is a Lolly Bird, telling her what a beautiful lady she is. This sends Karen ‘Ballistic’ yet again and she starts hopping around like a punk dancer doing ‘The Pogo’ whilst flashing like a red anti-collision lamp on top of a church steeple under the approach to an airport. “I haven’t had this feeling since seeing Lionel Richie in his tight leather trousers, or when I waved at Stevie Wonder on stage shouting ‘Cooee Stevie’ not quite like my Gilbert though, no one beats my Gilbert.” Debbie walks by yet again, stops, contorts her body into a Z shape, turns her head slightly away with her eyes in the opposite direction looking out to one side directly at me, and says, “Come on then if you think you’re hard enough.” Teresa immediately goes into ‘Seagull Mode’ as Debbie’s eyes switch from one side to the other as if to shoot laser beams into Teresa’s up turned fists.

In walks “Suzy The Safety Officer,” opens her white coat and flashes her black thigh length boots, black lace panties, Madonna style ‘Cone Bra’ suspender belt and stockings and utility belt with certain battery operated devices attached and hand cuffs. Suzy The Floozy cracks her whip and orders everyone to tidy up their stations ready for visitors, then just like a Nun buttons up her white coat melting into the background as innocent as a newborn baby, but not before throwing some F-bombs and finger gestures in the direction of Simon and Jason, “Well! I know they’re up to something – I don’t trust those two,” she adds. Jayne’s Potty Pusher is now going Orgasmic much to Debbie’s delight as two young men brace themselves against its projecting conveyor ready to give it all they’ve got, Dawn hurries rapidly past not daring to sneak even a peek. With flying saucers now pouring out of Jayne’s beloved treasure, she hugs the machine closely looking deep into its gizzards through its slotted body, BOOM, Oh Dear Not AGAIN! All hands now move over to box making and a huge castle of potting boxes begins to rise from the floor to the ceiling, Andy looks across in disgust, “I don’t give a shit!” says Andy, rapidly heading off in the direction of Cold Fill where Charlie is busy mixing yet another vat of Laughing Lingonberry for Attila’s Kale Kabobs.

Meanwhile Scarlett O’Hara is Gone with the Wind as Jason and Simon discuss the pros and cons of sprouts compared to baked beans.

“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle.”

06/02/2019