Brunshead Revisited


Fictional stories based upon every day random conversations held between
members of the workforce throughout the working week.

“I’ll get you a strong cup of tea,” said Hotlips Harris reaching for her latest read, a fictional autobiography of J.K.Lorenzo by Jennifer Rush. “It’s a little something I picked up in Waterstones on the weekend,” added Caroline taking to her seat pointing exactly Due North before turning to page one.

Sodric was already seated at the window eating four portions of fish and chips washed down with a litre of Apple Cider Vinegar from Dawn’s very own ‘Fine China Cup’. “Well someone has obviously taken a liking to my smashed off handle mug, and this bit of posh stuff was the next largest thing in the cupboard, sorry Dawn, I’m sure some Superglue will re-attach the handle for you.”

Right on cue Karen’s phone rings, “Ooh Wakka Simon, Ooh Wakka Shane,” booms Gilbert O’Sullivan from its speaker.” Oooooh, Oooooh shrieks Karen, “Oh I thought that was Simon’s phone ringing, but no it’s MINE!” Simon looks around, his eyebrows doing a Mexican Wave, as if to say c’mon Karen you know my ring tone is Girls Aloud.

Enter the ‘Orange Army’ yomping towards the Ware(the hell is it)house, Shane pauses to drop some spiders down Karen’s neck, then hurries off again. Karen’s thoughts are far away in ‘Crossword Land’ trying to work out, ‘Something you drink from, three letters’. Dawn clinks the broken handle against the remains of her beloved fine china and drills a hole in the back of Sodrick’s head with her best evil stare.

Matt finally escapes the ‘Dungeon of No Hope’ and pulls up a stool at the window, moving aside a clip board bearing just one paw print by Fido, seems no one’s interested in getting lost in the Brecon Beacons after all, then consults his laptop looking for YouTube videos on how to repair antiquated food dispensing equipment.

“Ah what’s this,” thinks Matt to himself glancing at used machinery ads. One hardly used ‘Rotofill Potting Machine’ by Packaging Automation. Guaranteed to improve your day, needs extra operators to keep up with its rapid output (downtime exceeds production time), no parts bendable, self cleaning nozzles will not block or seize, double the footprint of an ‘8-Fill Machine’ for rock steady stability, optional pump advised as its tank is only a small affair, self center film rollers, rapid cleaning of parts between fills, lots of extra bits to fail and go wrong giving you something to do when bored, no where to put your boxes (it’s smart and you know it), it’s a long way round to the other side (more exercise of course), low output conveyor for dwarfs, requires no training to use (up and running at the flick of a switch), new self sealing lid system (easy clean no maintenance), hammer and chisel thrown in.

We’ll pay YOU! to take this piece of junk off our hands and we’ll throw in 2, that’s two, 8-Fill old style machines, you know the ones you already have fully trained operators for, the ones that take up less room, perform for most of the day, are quicker to clean and maintain, cheaper to run, you know those trust worthy machines you already know every quirk about and can rely on to get the job done 90% of the time (that’s a 500% improvement on this super brand new, all singing dancing piece of shit). Please take it, it’s yours, we’ll even deliver for free, BARGAIN! honest.

“Hmm,” thinks Matt to himself, “I’ll have to let Malcolm and Ben see this amazing ad, should go down like a lead balloon.”

“Nope, I have a better idea, we’ll dump all this old clapped out and useless machinery in the factory that keeps on breaking down every day, and well get all new shiny stuff (only joking), no we’ll convert the whole place to Kimchi on a continental shift system,” says Ben. “Umm seems everyone has disappeared, in fact they all seem to have left in search of new jobs, ah well, ‘living the dream’, Guy!, Malcolm!, …anyone? – no one!”

Episode Fourteen : Kimchi Kong & The Portaloo

“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle.”

31/01/2019