Deeper Than A Black Hole

purgatory

We all experience holes in our lives when something is missing. Usually we know what it is and why it has become that way. It can happened by chance or even bad luck or it may be entirely self inflicted. Some holes can be bigger or deeper than others and far more difficult to fill in or climb out of.

Maybe we poorly misjudged a situation leaving us with little or no money to survive on, and to get back on our feet again it may take weeks, months or even longer, but when we reach our goal, the hole no longer exists and we once again feel “Whole” see what I did there.

Some times we just don’t know what to do with ourselves and then search high and low for some new hobby or pastime to occupy our leisure hours. New friends can often be of great help here and restore our enthusiasm for life.

Then there are those holes that can never be filled. The loss of close friends or family members through bereavement. The only time these hole decreases in size is when we manage to blot out the pain from our minds by being so busy, all thoughts of those loved ones become temporarily out of reach.

Me!, I’ve fallen into a “Black Hole”, or was I sucked into it? This is the worst type of hole you can find yourself in, because there is no escape. With the death of someone we expect that situation to arise at some point in our lives, and accept it as part of life and learn to adapt while the pain slowly fades over time.

My pain however is one of constant thoughts throughout my every waking hour, be it through the day or if awoken at night. In the daytime everything I see or experience through any of my other senses, causes thoughts about a girl called Sarah, and I compare what I’m experiencing at any moment, to that of her. If I wake up in the night I immediately think of her and cannot stop those thoughts, making it very difficult to get back to sleep again.

I fell in love with Sarah Louise (Doyley is a small, round piece of paper or cloth that has a pattern of tiny “Holes” in it.) not realising that all her traits revealed to me were not always reality. She was always creating a fictional personality that I thought was her real self. It was usually made up of her fantasies, what she really wanted to be, yet could not commit to, due to a hidden illness.

Right from the very start she did give a hint or two about it but she seemed to me to be such a very “Normal” person, that I could not believe her anxieties and reassured her that everybody had doubts about themselves. Then the negative behaviours started to become apparent and began to repeat themselves over and over.

What I thought was a match made in Heaven soon crumbled before my eyes as it became obvious her fears about her mental health were actually attributable to a recognised personality disorder. I searched and researched until I found the only case that had all the symptoms she showed and perfectly matching her behaviour.

I am now convinced that she has Histrionic Personality Disorder from the many medical descriptions I’ve read, and when I compared all that to everything she had ever told me about herself, and every symptom she revealed, everything matched. She had even stated she knew she needed professional help but I just thought she was having a bad day and brushed it off as just a silly notion.

So I had fallen in love with someone for the first time ever, only for her to remove herself from my life at the worst possible moment for me. Her real self being the one I love, but first I fell for her fictional self, the one she had unwittingly created with her involuntary personality disorder behaviours. Therefore I had in fact fallen in love with “Two persons in One”. Not realising this situation existed until her split personality finally became obvious to me, by which time it was already too late.

If all her random negative actions had not existed, then she would still have been the one I would have fallen in love with. But it’s those actions that have revealed the existence of a fictional girl, who is also of equal value to the real girl, yet this situation is one she herself cannot come to terms with, making it impossible for her to have a stable relationship where she bases her life on reality, rather than all the fantasy and fiction.

If you lose a girlfriend, you just seek out a new one. But if you lose the first girl you have ever felt that you are genuinely in love with for real, rather than just attracted to. Then it feels like the ‘Terminator’ has reached out and grabbed through your chest, ripping out your heart, and leaving you there in the living Hell of purgatory.

Every conscious moment of my life, the girl I love is there on my mind, but now the reality of her existence as part of my life has gone forever, and that happened when I least saw it coming. The chances of me ever escaping this “Black Hole” seem utterly impossible – it’s Soul Destroying. I thought we were a Singularity.

I saw her as a Rainbow in my life, but sure enough, there were to be no Pots of Gold.

“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is purely a miracle.”

05/07/2019