Paleface & Tomahawks

Flying Tigers blood chit from ROC National Government, provided courtesy of Robert Baldwin

Flying Tigers blood chit from ROC National Government, provided courtesy of Robert Baldwin

Episode 11

Sarah’s Psychedelic Sundaes

Cromwell realising he was under fire from both sides in the heated battle, he had just descended into, between the opposing forces of Tetbury and Malmesbury, now knew he had to ‘Save the TARDIS,’ from the murderous hail of cannon shot, being flung to and fro, right there in Abbey Row. He was now turning a Whiter Shade of Pale and didn’t know whether to choose, Procol Harum or Annie Lennox, so he grabbed his New Model Army T-shirt, and waved that instead vigorously from the door of the stricken TARDIS to signal his surrender.

All munitions from both sides ceased immediately and two horsemen, one from each side were despatched forthwith to investigate, under a temporary break in hostilities indicated by Red Henry hoisting the flag of truce high above the Abbey Roof. The horsemen met in the middle of Abbey Row, dismounted, shook hands, and began banging on the TARDIS door for Cromwell to show himself again. They both stared through its blue stained glass windows and they could clearly see Cromwell putting the kettle on for a quick cuppa.

The horsemen both shouted at Cromwell, ‘two sugars and milk please,’ and stood aside waiting. Commanders on each side were now growing impatient and both sides now despatch another rider each to investigate the hold up. Cromwell then showed his Paleface to the equine plenipotentiaries and gave them all a cup of green tea, it wasn’t good tea, it was weak, it was lukewarm, it was foul, the kettle hadn’t boiled. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, cast aside his peace offerings and bundled Cromwell back inside the TARDIS, and proceeded to push the contraption over the wall into the Jubilee Gardens, and with that, they all galloped off in a cloud of dust.

By now it was getting dark again so both sides decided to retire to the pubs, and meet again the next morning, if they could all manage to sober up before Eight Bells. Meanwhile over the wall of the Jubilee Gardens, Cromwell in the TARDIS had slid all the way down the steep slope and splashed into the river below, and poor old Ollie now found himself floating down stream towards St John’s Hospital.

Back inside the Abbey, Mike Lynch decided it was time for supper, and shouted to the peasants below that it was also time for crowd surfing, they all obliged and formed a large human pyramid in the Nave. Mike clambered out of the Watching Loft, bid adieu to his Greater Noctule Bats, tucked the Cavity Magnetron inside his cassock, and dived out onto the human jelly mound, who passed him from hand to hand until he was safely set down upon the floor below, and with that he hurried across to the Café Apocalypse to place a late order with Stella who was still at the crease for 97 as Nightwatchman.

The following morning at the crack of dawn, the combined snoring of the warring forces of Wessex and Mercia could be heard as far away as Sunny Corston, where Tilly Whim was just getting her head down after the long walk home. Then there came a sudden loud roar, as the AVG’s ‘Flying Tigers,’ 3rd Squadron of Hell’s Angels in their sharks mouthed, Curtiss P-40 Tomahawks, came swooping in low across the Malmesbury Common on a direct heading for the Great Abbey. Their echelon leader peeled off heading for Westport, and one by one, the rest of his wing followed suit, and now all in line astern, they banked sharply over the Steeple of St Mary’s Church, drew back their canopy’s and shouted down below to Charlie Boy to get lost or he’d be in for it, and with that they buzzed Red Henry fast asleep on the Abbey Roof.

Red Henry's Cup - Malmesbury Abbey Café © David Forward

Red Henry’s Cup – Malmesbury Abbey Café © David Forward

Gregory “Pappy” Boyington, in his ‘Curtiss P-40 Tomahawk’ fired off a few rounds at the doorway to Café Apocalypse, blowing the door clean off its hinges – just as a friendly way to rouse the slumbering peasants all gathered for safety in the Abbey. Stella came rushing out, of what was once the door to the Cloister Gardens, waving her fist furiously in the direction of all the other Tomahawk Tigers now screaming over head. Up top, Red Henry was frantically feeding the Tigers his reserve of bagged flower bombs, none reaching their intended targets but all falling in vain down on Hannah Twynnoy below who was bringing a few flagons of cold beer across from the White Lion Inn – an order put in early by the parched Mike Lynch.

With the Tigers now disappearing across the horizon towards Bradon Forest, all now seem rather quiet. That was until Mike Lewis and Dick Grey decided to start ringing the Alarm Bells in St Paul’s Church Spire across the way. This brought out the two Anne Cox’s who came running up, ‘The Steps From Hell,’ where they had been busy weeding Conygre Mead. Yes I know, they’ve been and cloned Anne Cox too! Now came Jude of S’Chariot, sprinting up from Lower High Street with Jenny Wren C.H. Beebee, all these ladies had formed a Splinter Group, and were now being summoned by Hell’s Bells on their first call out.

The S’Chariots of Fire, as they were known, now banging on Norman Smith’s Porch, were quickly let in by Pauline and Sue, who ushered them across to the shattered Café Door. Jenny ‘The Wrench’ BB, accompanied by the Coxless Four, who by now, had already been cloned yet again, began hastily glueing back together, all the pieces of the door, so as it could be bunged back in the gaping hole before any of ‘The Hungry Hordes of Tetbury,’ might show up at the Café Apocalypse.

Ruth and Stella were now serving up ‘Sarah’s Psychedelic Sundaes,’ by the dozen, to all the starving peasants now awaking to the thought of a breakfast without Cheerios, as The B of The Bang, had taken all of his cereal mountain around to the Garrison next door, to feed the troops, who were now awake, and all in a tizzy preparing Baked Bean Bombs, to be hurled from the battlements back in the direction of the Food Bank, should ‘The Prickle’ & ‘The Bear’ awake before midday and try to rush the Café Apocalypse, in their Mad Max styled Lions Tour mini buses.

Now who should stumble into the Abbey, but none other than our very own, famous artist and sculptor from West Street, Fabricius Fabrizio, looking very suspiciously like William Hartnell, yes the first Doctor was back in Café Apocalypse once again, much to the joy, great pleasure and happiness of Sarah, ‘Mother of Nations,’ and breeder of super-sized chickens, who by now had conveniently stepped forward to award Fabricius Fabrizio, the much sort after ‘Nobel Prize for Physics,’ he himself being the inventor of ‘The TARDIS.’


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“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle.”

20 October, 2017
All images and written works by David Forward are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License