Fight the Good Fight


Episode 17

I feel like I win when I lose

Kim Jong-un has left the building. In walked Gray of the URC, Chief of Baked Beans, and Expert on Aldhelm. I quickly took him to one side and interrogated him as to why Aldhelm had upset our ‘Babe Ruth, I can hit them right out of the stadium,’ with his Old English Poems. It had all been a misunderstanding, apparently Aldhelm was just making a statement that his people’s language was just, if not, more important than that of the scholars with all their fancy foreign lingo. So Ruth was now happy that her latest creation, ‘Mr Trudge,’ would make it amongst the local population of Darlek Impersonators. Ruth immediately toasted all the Tea Cakes, that King Alfred had just delivered from Athelney’s Bakery. Alfred was now on his way to Chippenham to have a word in Guthrum’s ear about the big feast at Wedmore with ‘Athelstan Joseph Michael Eavis,’ the ‘Pilton Pulp Festival’ organiser for the Glastonbury Methodists.

By now Sarah was feeling quite dizzy with all these Canonical Connections, and decided to beat the Till into Mathematical Submission with the ‘Pilton Pulp Festival’ Cheque. It was then to the back of the kitchen to murder the grill before swinging her battle axe down upon the Victoria Sponge. After all ‘The Killers’ are only ‘Human.’ That’s it said Sarah, I’m a Dancer as she hit the floor of the now cleared chair-less Abbey. Shaun Martin of Gibson L9-S Ripper fame was now at the keyboards joining in with the chorus:

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

As Sarah danced around inside the Abbey performing her best Darcey Bussell impersonation (a.k.a. Marnie Mercedes Darcey Pemberton Crittle), and to be quite honest, she wasn’t bad at all, well maybe just a little ‘Normal Chicken’ influence, but nothing the Polish Chickens couldn’t pick up if Dr Robert was chasing them out of the Parvis. There must be PG Tips in the equation somewhere, remarked Janet, it all depends on the type of milk I suppose.

At Table Number Four, John and Paul, unbelievably were taking no notice of the elegant floating Sarah drifting down the Nave, Pas de basque moving toward the kitchen with vigour and haste, as burnt Tea Cake smoke drifted up into the Clerestory, casting bizarre shadows across the Triforium. In trips Fabricius Fabrizio looking for his Waterloo Portaloo TARDIS mechanics, John and Paul, and on hearing Rock Legend, Shaun Martin at the tinklies, decides to show him a thing or two, and makes his way over to the Grand Piano and begins playing his latest composition, “Fires of a Revolution,” inspired by Oliver Puritan Cromwell’s recent confrontation with ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ in Abbey Row before he was despatched over the Jubilee Garden Wall.

French Army regulars pose at a captured Communard barricade at the boulevard Voltaire

French Army regulars pose at a captured Communard barricade at the boulevard Voltaire

Meanwhile over in the Sanctuary, Diana and the Big Wigs, are busily discussing what qualities the next Vicar should have to qualify for the unexpected vacancy at Malmesbury Abbey. We might as well ask The Reverend Richard Coles, after all he would not have Left Us This Way. He would Never Say Goodbye He and Shaun would sure have them rocking in the pews, if we had any! So its out with the Skateboards the and in with Michael Eavis then. Who shall we book first, Diana asks. Mumford & Sons or Kings of Leon, which is it to be? Okay how about The Civil Wars, The One That Got Away.

So the Abbey has gone ‘Rock’ and the TARDIS has gone ‘Pop’ and we have Ellie Telly doing Countdown – will the Waterloo Portaloo make it through the dissused railway Time Tunnel or will DISCO have its revival down in the Tarantula Café, what else could possibly happen in such a small town as Malmesbury. Enter Rachel Rockett – This is ‘Bang Out of Order,’ I want Speed Dating a mandatory event for all singles in the town. We’ll use the Abbey right here, as soon as they’ve chosen, we can have them married off straight away, no more Shotgun Weddings in this town! But who is this Rachel Rockett? I’m your New Vicar, make way for Woman, I will sort this miserable little village out, you’ll all be praying soon, praying you’d never been born. You will all shape up or ship out – okay Shaun, Hymn Number 552 Fight the Good Fight.

By now John, Paul and Fabricius Fabrizio were tiptoeing their way out of the Abbey and on their way back to Athelstan Museum to join Ellie who is preparing the brand new TARDIS for its Maiden Journey. Tilly Whim and Hannah Twynnoy have a date on stage with King Crimson and need to be transported into the future. Ellie, Fabricius, Tilly and Hannah entered the TARDIS and closed the door behind them, Ellie reached for the Pseudo-Riemannian Manifold Control Fluctuator, and they were off. Shaun! what are you doing here? I had to escape from the new Vicar, she started to sing, it was terrible, no wonder she’s called Rockett, she’d drown out a Saturn V launch from Cape Canaveral.

The Waterloo Portaloo had now arrived at its destination, or so they thought. It seems they were now back stage at an ABBA cover concert. Great you made it then, said the MC pushing them on stage to the awaiting crowd who were still booing off the last act. the MC a certain Mr Boondocks, asks them each their name and what they do: Shaun, Gibson L9-S Ripper – Fabricius, Piano – Tilly and Hannah, well obviously Agnetha and Anni-Frid – and you Ellie, what do you do – Drums, I’m the drummer. And what do you call yourselves. The other four all look at Ellie, Ellie thinks for a second: HANNAH, works both ways doesn’t it. And what is it you are going to sing, Mr Boondocks asks, they all look at Ellie once more, Ellie looks behind her as if to say, why me, then she announces: Waterloo Portaloo.


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“Any resemblance between the characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle.”

31 October, 2017
All images and written works by David Forward are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License