Methodical Man

Explosives Chest Malmesbury Abbey © David Forward

Explosives Chest Malmesbury Abbey © David Forward

Rawlplug Meets Nail

Ten thousand lights were all twinkling at the given rate for early November, any other time of year and the speed would be different, that’s only natural and expected by anyone who visits Abbeys. We have all come accustomed to the Doppler effect of stroboscopic deficiencies when dealing with the internal voids of static time’s evolutionary cast off’s, said Cat Stevens to Mary Poppins as they awaited to be served in the Abbey’s Café, late one Friday. Sarah appeared in haste from the depths of the kitchen with apologies for keeping her customers hanging by a thread, money spiders being the cause she explained. Being part Teacher, Social Worker, Problem Solver and Nuclear Physicist, were the advertised qualities and skills of a proficient Coffee Dispensing Technician in the year 2017. Sarah being Malmesbury’s number one choice to fill this post, and she had the certificates, Top 40 Hits in the Charts, and previous character parts at many a theatre, to prove her abilities.

Cat Stevens asked for Marmite Toasted Teacakes, whilst Mary Poppins stood at the counter stirring her coffee clockwise with her right hand. In the background and at a distance, far towards the other end of the Abbey, came a faint hint of a piano being played by someone who obviously new their Brahms Requiem from their Tchaikovsky Symphony No. 6 in B minor, Op. 74, Pathétique, but there again, could well be lacking in the basic understanding of Accarezzevole, as all the stained glass in the building now replicated the huge speakers at a Drum and Base Gig. Fabricius Fabrizio played Grand Piano like a Blacksmith forges hot iron on his Anvil. Visitors to the Abbey may well have been forgiven for thinking they were in San Benedetto Basilica in Norcia, when rocked by the 6.6-magnitude earthquake of 2016.

So pretty much your average day in Malmesbury’s Abbey Café. Not so – for now stood before the counter and about to produce from her handbag: her Sonic screwdriver, was a lady wearing a TARDIS top beneath her open coat, surely a discrete sign that something truly ground shaking was about to happen, Fabricius Fabrizio’s performance, obviously just a minor foreshock swarm. Then in walks an extremely pretty girl wearing a ballerina’s hairdo looking like a modelling balloon wrapped around her head, with calf length trousers and quarter socks, who precedes to pour a vast quantity of loose change onto the counter. The biggest surprise – SHE waved goodbye to ME, after consuming her beverage and taking notes in the aisle. Now there was a serious discussion erupting, on how to entice the Artists of the town into the Abbey, for the re-enactment of the Fall of the Berlin Wall.

The B of The Bang was now rolling old stone Fonts along the Nave like giant bowling balls in some experimental game for an up coming event, where the wicked like myself, would be lined up before the Altar with our backs to the East Wall, and picked off one by one, whilst the choir sang – Strike! Things were getting so bizarre by now, I decided I’d better leave the building and head directly to the Athelstan Museum, any port in a storm, if push comes to shove. It didn’t last long: I soon found my self taking the shortest route back to the safety of the monks pit-stop – via Lower High Street, King’s Wall and a quick rest inside the Market Cross. Back again at square one, I decided twenty questions on Abraham & Jordan’s old pipe organ would be a good idea, I pulled out all the stops and checked my Divisional Piston.

Johnson Pipe Organ Back © David Forward

Johnson Pipe Organ Back © David Forward

3 November, 2017
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